Bill, Tapeworm to the Stars

Hey there. I'm Bill, and I'm a tapeworm. That's right, I said a tapeworm. A lot of people are afraid of tapeworms, but there's really nothing to fear. I'm just like you. I want a warm place to live, and I want something to eat every now and then. And, well, I also want to live the celebrity lifestyle. "Fifteen minutes of fame?" you might ask, and I will answer with a resounding, "No." I want a lifetime of fame. That's why I've set out on a mission to invade the intestines of stars from around the globe. My good friend, Hilton Hightower, has allowed me to post my adventures here. Thanks to him. He's been either too lazy lately to post his terrible art and poetry, so I thought I could breathe some life back into this this pile of dump.

So, here goes the inaugural post of my adventures. I titled my post "Bill, Tapeworm to the Stars." If you can think of something better, leave me a comment. I'm open to new ideas.

First things first, you may wonder how a tapeworm makes a living. Well, it's not that hard. I'm a parasite, so as long as I have a host, I have a nice place to call home, and if I've chosen wisely I have a nice selection of food to eat. Sometimes I make the mistake of choosing to live somewhere like Nicole Richie's guts. I'll admit, that was dumb. She doesn't eat much more than a grape every now and again. Maybe a jolly rancher or a candy necklace. I'll tell you I was drunk quite a lot, but that can get old when you're tired of the club scene.

Tapeworms all over the world make a living. But I am wealthy. How did I get so wealthy? Well, being a celebrity tapeworm has a dark side. I am a celebrity snitch. A lot of times when TMZ or other celebrity news outlets mention an anonymous source, it's me. You wouldn't believe the types of things I find out living in someone's poopy chute. You may think the news at TMZ is shitty. There's a reason for that! It's, most of it, coming from a tapeworm.

Now, I first got my start in celebrity parasiting with a dear old friend of mine Anthony Bourdain. Oh gosh, it must have been the late 90s or the early 2000s. I was just a little tapeworm larva in some not-so-high quality steak tartare at a neighborhood restaurant in Bern, Switzerland. Then Tony came along. Before I knew it I was growing nice and strong in his gut, sampling some of the finest (and occasionally most bizarre) foods around the world. It was a real treat, being buds with Tony, but the time came that I saw an opportunity to move up the celebrity ladder, and I took it.

More on that later. Thanks for reading.