Hilton's Conversion

I can still remember when
my alien godfathers decided
to give me the gift of robotics
and replaced my brain with a robotic
thinking module.
That was the day I went from being a half-assed
dumbshit human to a full on ass-kicking robot.
It started on a cold December day, not much different than today,
and I was down in the creek bed, trying to pull that
goddamn cow loose from the freezing water.
That whore cow somehow got down in there
and couldn't get out.
This was still back when "doing a good deed" appealed to me
and I knew the other settlers needed that cow to make it through
the winter.
Now I'd let that fucking fat cow freeze and die.
I was one step from death myself out there in the freezing conditions,
waist-high in subzero temperatures, my body started to give out.
Three years later, I awoke onboard a ship on its way to Tau Ceti
and the system of planets revolving around it.
My brain had been fully replaced already,
and they were preparing to give me a new arm
for the other one had been mutilated by an alien version
of the sewer rat.
Much to my surprise, they gave me an arm with a goddamn
laser cannon extension.
Now if you fuck with me, I will annihilate everything you've
ever stood for.
My visit at Tau Ceti was eye-opening.
Those demonic robot aliens taught me the proper way to hate
life and every aspect of existence.

By the time I returned to Earth, I was a changed man.